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Crush and Some Dualities
Strange, that some of us, with quick alternate vision, see beyond our infatuations, and even while we rave on the heights, behold the wide plain where our persistent self pauses and awaits us.
~ George Eliot
I have a huge crush on Maroon 5 front-person Adam Levine (“Maroon 5 is an American rock band. Since debuting in 2002, the band has sold over 10 million albums in the United States and nearly 15 million worldwide.” Wikipedia: The Free Encyclopedia). This is so absurd to me – I never have crushes on celebrities. I find him exceedingly talented and handsome. Oy. I think that the only time I wished my new disabilities would just vanish was contemplating dating him – as if … I ‘follow’ him on Twitter (“Twitter is a free social networking and micro-blogging service that enables its users to send and read messages known as tweets.” Wikipedia: The Free Encyclopedia) and he was recently in Europe commenting on stuff I really related to. Wow, this is so safe – a one-way dialog, no possible confrontation or rejection. Holy.
He has a reputation as being a playboy but; “[c]ontrary to popular perception, Levine describes himself as a shut-in who quickly learned the paparazzi-fuelled spotlight was not for him after Songs About Jane exploded, selling more than 10 million copies and rocketing him to superstardom.” (Dose.ca) Jane-shmane. Those sexy tattoos…I’m in trouble and this is so cougar-esque of me; “an older woman who sexually pursues men at least eight years her junior.”(Wikipedia) I was thinking of references and came up with Ashton and Demi – more pop-culture. Predictable. An article online says, “So, Ashton Kucher, 27, and Demi Moore, 43, got married with her kids and ex-husband in attendance. Hollywood ho-hum? Made in heaven? Bizarre? Insane? A giant step for older women? How about “A giant step for older women.”” (Ezine@articles)
In my book ‘Again’ I do say that time and space let alone, age, do not matter and I really could look at all of this in that light. I guess that because I don’t know him, I’ll let the dominant ideology persist. In my book ‘You Never Know: A Memoir’ I say; “I have always been fascinated by the nature of “reality,” although I believe in consequences for our actions.” (p. 44) Man, “reality” works my buzz.
I went to a coffee-shop I frequent and saw Adam Levine’s doppelganger. I only glanced not to be obvious or perverse or something. I was leaving and he was heading for the counter. The eye-candy…No doubt some of my gay male friends would agree.
I kind of wish I looked like a super-model, but I may have wanted that no matter what. Superficial, eh? The one area – my physicality – that has always been problematic for me is compromised. It is easier for me now to believe I have reduced chances with my Crush because I’m disabled. How’s that for a rationalization? In ‘You Never Know: A Memoir’ I say; “I have heard “if only you were as before.” Heck yeah, but I am not; and if I stay this way, I still figure I have lots to offer. Sure I look different, but if that is the measure of my worth, that would suck. I do not buy into that. No matter how difficult my issues about body image are, I have a hard time believing that.” (p. 38) I hope that my words really sink in. Peel Public Health says;
“Healthy body image means feeling "at home" in your body - it's part of who you are… you're so much more than a body!” Yeah.
It’s nice to have a fantasy – no matter how unrealistic. In my recent article Double Standard? (Shebytches.com) I say, “My many disabilities mean I cannot rely upon image to help out. Cosmetic botox and liposuction are meaningless to me. I cannot, like many people, wish I were younger or curvier as if those changes would make a difference. I love that those things do not apply to me – they never did – but it might be nice to fantasize an option.”
I hear he’s dated Natalie Portman and is seeing Cameron Diaz. On May 18, 2009 it was reported that “Cameron Diaz has reportedly rebounded with Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine. Cameron called it quits with model Paul Sculfer maybe, what, a week ago, and is now all over Adam. Oh, Cameron. We never tire of you and your boy crazies. Seriously, we never do. Don’t ever change.” (Anything Hollywood)
Beauties. This cannot be healthy for me mentally. As though age were my only obstacle – I wish. There is what is known as the ‘Cult of Celebrity,’ look at an essay called, Star Struck by John F Schumaker: “a banal cult of celebrity is spreading round the globe.” I do not have 'celebrity worship syndrome' (Schumaker) and I am very objective about my pop-culture work. I guess my crush is run-of-the-mill. It would be kind of relieving to relegate it as a syndrome. Oh, well.
I put this article down and decided to work on my novel instead – while in the realm of fiction…even though I listened to his music while I wrote, I was focused. I imagine I can channel this energy into one of my characters. I like myself too much to let this get the better of me.
I can think of a million and a half reasons why I have a crush on this person. So, why doesn’t reason take over? I am a very smart person. All I can think about is spending all day in bed with him. Le oops, TMI.
I’m used to a confessional mode of writing but this is very embarrassing.
The fact that I chose a singer to gush over is not lost on me. I used to sing a lot but now I cannot. While doing my BA, MA, and Ph.D I was in a band, made a music video, did backing vocals on a CD, wrote songs, did musical theatre, studied singing and cartoon voice-overs, acted in theatre, film and TV etc…When I talk I sound like I had a stroke – I didn’t. I had brain surgery for a non-malignant brain tumour, went into a five-month coma, did not speak for six weeks after the coma. I am now disabled. Singing around me does not bug me. In my forthcoming non-fiction book ‘Who Knew?’ A continuation of ‘You Never Know: A Memoir’ I say; “An attendant was humming the song ‘Don’t Cry for me Argentina’ from the musical Evita. I used to sing that song for musical theatre auditions. I did not get melancholy rather I thanked her for reminding me that I used to sing that song. I really enjoyed hearing it again. We had a great discussion about how I used to sing Italian Opera and she commented that I must have gone very high with my voice. Yup. I was a Coloratura Soprano.”
I am REALLY not conflicted, nor do I miss an aspect of my life that I feel that I saturated. I appreciate talent in others but I am not envious. Picking a singer to have a crush on is many things for me, but envy is not one of them. In ‘Who Knew?’ I also say, “I love it when other people sing around me. I only hope they remember I used to sing professionally. I do not want them to stop at all; I think it is more about validation.” I listen to music a lot – like before. The difference in my voice now hasn’t changed that. I hold up many dualities in my life and this is one of them. Negotiating apparent discrepancies is habit for sure. I’m ambivalent about my physicality and I pick someone who apparently values the physical to have a crush on. How’s that for discrepant?
Willa Cather said that “[a]ll the intelligence and talent in the world can't make a singer. The voice is a wild thing. It can't be bred in captivity. It is a sport, like the silver fox. It happens.” I guess that I feel like a singer no matter what I sound like. It has always been a part of me, my past. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can take that away from me. I think that I feel that other singers would get that. Of course I’d like to sound like I did but I feel that a part of my process is simply accepting where I am. I still have a very hard time using the phone though. I feel that I might thwart people’s expectations for sound. I also sound mentally challenged…So, issues but no baggage.
In ‘Who Knew?’ I say; “It is kind of amazing that I am heard differently through writing. I was going to say it is writing-drag – here I go. In any case, there do seem to be layers to my voice and it is pretty spectacular to be “heard” on paper.” I have a new voice now. As I say in ‘Who Knew?’; “I actually sing in my mind much differently than I did. A song was playing on the radio and in my mind I belted it which I could never do before. My voice used to be operatic and the very high notes were sung that way. I find this cool. It might sound like I am rationalizing or coping with my new situation but I hardly miss singing.” Voice and Crush – dualities.
Bibliography
Anything Hollywood Accessed August 28, 2009.
Brainy Quote Accesed September 10, 2009.
Dose.ca Accessed August 28, 2009.
Ezine@articles Accessed August 29, 2009.
Peel Public Health Accessed August 31, 2009.
Schumaker, John F. Star Struck. Accessed August 31, 2009.
Shiller, Romy. Again. Victoria, BC: Trafford. 2009.
-------------------. “Double Standard ?”
-------------------. Who Knew? Forthcoming.
-------------------.You Never Know: A Memoir. Victoria, BC: Trafford. 2008.
Wikipedia: The Free Encyclopedia Accessed May 2, 2009.
Wikipedia: The Free Encyclopedia Accessed September 2, 2009.
Wikipedia: The Free Encyclopedia Accessed August 28, 2009.
Wikipedia: The Free Encyclopedia.Accessed August 30, 2009.
WorldofQuotes.com Accessed August 29, 2009.
Romy Shiller is a pop culture critic and holds a PhD in Drama from the University of Toronto. Her academic areas of concentration include film, gender performance, camp and critical thought. She lives in Montreal where she continues her writing. All books are available online.
Romy Shiller is a 3rd Wave Feminist according to the book Third Wave Feminism and Television: Jane Puts it in a Box by the head of women's studies at South-Carolina U.
http://www.shebytches.com/romyshilleroct262009.html
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